The Hippocratic & Hypocritical Oaths

The Hippocratic Oath

I swear by All that, according to my ability and judgment, I will keep this Oath and this stipulation to reckon him who taught me this Art equally dear to me as my parents, to share my substance with him, and relieve his necessities if required; to look upon his offspring in the same footing as my own brothers, and to teach them this art, if they shall wish to learn it, without fee or stipulation; and that by precept, lecture, and every other mode of instruction, I will impart a knowledge of the Art to my own sons, and those of my teachers, and to disciples bound by a stipulation and oath according to the law of medicine, but to none others. I will follow that system of regimen which, according to my ability and judgment, I consider for the benefit of my patients, and abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous. I will give no deadly medicine to any one if asked, nor suggest any such counsel; and in like manner I will not give to a woman a pessary to produce abortion. With purity and with holiness I will pass my life and practice my Art. I will not cut persons laboring under the stone, but will leave this to be done by men who are practitioners of this work. Into whatever houses I enter, I will go into them for the benefit of the sick, and will abstain from every voluntary act of mischief and corruption; and, further from the seduction of females or males, of freemen and slaves. Whatever, in connection with my professional practice or not, in connection with it, I see or hear, in the life of men, which ought not to be spoken of abroad, I will not divulge, as reckoning that all such should be kept secret. While I continue to keep this Oath unviolated, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and the practice of the art, respected by all men, in all times! But should I trespass and violate this Oath, may the reverse be my lot!


The Hypocritical Oath

I swear by All that, according to my statement here, I will keep this Oath and stipulation to do whatever I need in order to reach my goal of a comfortable life. I will charge outrageous fees to all my clients, and I will only do pro bono work when ordered to by the legal system, or when I need to improve my standing in the area. I will teach students of my Art when I am properly remunerated for that service. I will consider all actions for the benefit of myself first, and my patients second, and I will abstain from any action that is deleterious to myself. I will follow the medical regimen that I determine is best for increasing my income and will search for a treatment rather than a cure; such being needed in order to retain my job and social standing. I will give no deadly medicine to anyone if asked; only if paid for. I will not give a woman an abortion, unless it can be done without it being held against me. With neutrality and agnosticism I will practice my Art. Into whatever houses I enter, I will refuse service, instead insisting that the sick go to my office, a clinic, or a hospital, in order to keep up billing records. I will be secretive regarding the conditions of my clients, and will not divulge any information about them unless doing so is guaranteed not be held against me. While I keep this Oath inviolate, may I reap the highest wealth obtainable! But should I violate this Oath, let no one find out about it!

No News is Good News?

Sometimes I think humanity is doomed to destruction.

After all the effort we’ve put into making the world a better place to live, why is it worse?

I was flipping through the cable TV channels during lunch, and I found 3 different court cases going on; all of them related to a celebrity. The most profound of these, of course, being Michael Jackson’s child abuse case.

There they were, a “reporter” a.k.a. gossip-monger, a “politician” a.k.a. control-freak, and a “lawyer” a.k.a. scum-of-the-earth, all discussing what was happening—or not happening—with the case. None of them were actually going to the trial, nor were they in contact with the judge, jury, prosecution, or defense, but they were out to convince you of their absolute importance in regards to reporting the case. They were also making broad statements as to how the case should be concluded, each according to his or her personal slant.

This is the kind of thing I have to try to ignore each day while I make a great effort to find actual news of importance. Not that there’s much of it lately.

I’m sitting at my computer, looking out the window at the dying plants; plants which desperately need a good rain. I try to find real evidence that it’s going to rain today, in spite of the predictions I get from “experts” in the media. These are the people who, for the last 2 months have unceasingly predicted a forthcoming week of drenching, beginning TOMORROW. As we all undoubtedly know, tomorrow never comes. At least is hasn’t in the last 2 months. The closest we’ve come to rain around here is a light sprinkling that lasted about half an hour.

Oh, here’s an important story: A new Supreme Court Justice has been approved in the Senate. Wow, that’s really important, especially since he’s the one picked by the current President, and also is as closed-minded and ignorant as can be possibly imagined. This is just the kind of person I want defending my civil rights in America (raspberry performed here).

Gimme a break, OK? Gimme something important! Where’re the baseball scores?