Appropriate Seasonal Communications

A friend of mine sent me this letter, and I felt it fit the hype. Here it is:

Appropriate Seasonal Communications

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice occurrence, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: this greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself / himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent date-appropriate greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

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Playful Regards, Etc.,
Jim

A Little Light Snow

This morning I woke to the glorious beauty of the season’s first snowfall. A thick coating of white covered every visible tree, bush, fence, etc. My dog was jumping up and down like a little kid, looking out the window, and whimpering her desire to play. I immediately opened the door for her, and was greeted by the day with a fresh shower of snow from the overhanging tree, on my face.

That was only the beginning.

I quickly got dressed in my winter gear, and went out to start the car, a necessity to a garage-free homeowner. This led to my discovery that the car was locked, and the lock frozen. With the help of a little alcohol I freed the lock, and with some graphite powder I guaranteed it would stay that way awhile. I then put the key in the ignition and turned it, only to find the engine turning over slowly. With patience, and the help of a jump-starting device I recently acquired, I managed to start the car.

My next chore was to clear the snow off the car. With a ruler, I had discovered that the snow was 2 ½ inches high, so I grabbed a soft-bristled broom. After sweeping off the car, I found that the windows were layered with a sheet of marbled ice, completely impervious to anything in the way of visibility. I immediately searched the car for the necessary ice-scraper, but it wasn’t anywhere in the car. I next checked the backyard shed, then the house, for the item. Then, I tried the basement/cellar (I live in an elderly house). Just when I was getting ready to pull my hair out by the roots, I tripped over a box, under which were three scrapers—all new, probably the one’s I hadn’t found in previous years.

Finally, I’d gotten the car running, and clear of snow and ice; I was ready to go! I just had to put the dog back inside.

She didn’t want to go in. She was enjoying herself. After all, it had only been an hour!

I spent another ten minutes cornering her in a portion of the yard (thank goodness it’s fenced), and getting a leash on her, when I noticed that she was shivering (whereas I was sweating, and probably needed a change of clothes). I rushed her into the house, and gave her a good rubdown with her towel, then I set the thermostat to a warmer setting for her. Then I noticed the clock.

I was half-an-hour late for work!

I called in, but for some reason no one answered. I rushed out the door, jumped in to my car, and proceeded to my office at an amazing speed of 20 miles per hour!

It wasn’t that there was any huge mass of traffic between my home and my job (I live only 3 miles away); the problem was that the snow had become melted-snow and ice, and no matter how good a driver you are, caution is always merited under such conditions. When I arrived, I found that (of course) every parking space near the building had been taken, and I had to park at a distant location, approximately 7-8 minutes walk from the door. Finally getting to my office, I was expecting a tongue-lashing at best, but everyone treated me as if this were a normal day. Being the kind of person who must know the why’s and wherefore’s of everything (nosy parker) I asked the nearest person. She said that everyone had been late today; I had arrived only a few moments after everyone else.

Whew!

Would you believe that the local TV news had last night predicted only, “... a little light snow...”? I ought to send them the doctor bills for my nervous stomach!